Jack is 5 Months Old!

I can't believe I have a five month old! This month it seems like he is just passing milestones left and right. Jack is also super aware and curious of his surroundings. It seems as though overnight he discovered Sofía. I was worried about her playing rough around him but he loves it! The more she growls at her toys, whips around or licks his face, the harder he laughs. Because of this new heightened awareness, he has become a very distracted nurser. We will be nursing and he pops off every 5-10 seconds to see what that light/noise/person was for.

Speaking of nursing, the Jack Newman's nipple cream that was recommended to me by an old high school friend, has worked so well. I'm able to nurse him without the shield the minimal pain after the initial latch. I am so thankful for her recommendation. However, my supply did tank big time as I was only pumping 1.5-2oz and he was drinking 4-5. I stopped the fenugreek pills and begs drinking 2-3 glasses of Earth Mama Angel Baby's Milkmaid Tea and my supply has rebounded for now. Unfortunately the tea tastes horribly so I have to drink it quickly with lots of agave and lemon. I can't wait to drink my Yogi Tea Breathe Deep again (not recommended for pregnant or nursing mamas).

So Jack hasn't only discovered Sofía but some other things as well. He has found out putting his hands in mom and dad's mouth is hilarious. He also rolled back to belly for the first time on 1/17 and because of that we had to stop swaddling him. We also put the swing and rock n play away because he is starting to sit up supported and is getting too long. He's taking naps in a sleep sack in the pack n play in our room but does best at night in our bed. Nighttime naps are usually in mom's new wrap, my Girasol I got from Guatemala. I absolutely love it.

Jack also loves looking at mirror baby (which is what he did on 2/9 when he got his mullet trimmed for the first time!), bouncing in his jumperoo and when we sing patty cake or "hey sexy baby, ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo baby gangnam style" to him. He also can anticipate and has some cause and effect developing. Therefore, if I say "I'm going to get you" he starts laughing so hard because he knows I'm about to tickle him and he is very ticklish.

Jack is starting to understand who Mom and Dad are more. He doesn't like when one of us is out of his sight and will whine/cry if we go into the next room without him. He is also starting to reach for us if someone is holding him and he wants the other person/one of us. That's one of my favorite parts of the day; I come home, Trev is holding Jack by the door and when I walk in he smiles big and reaches for me!

He is also starting to be able to grab objects with both hands and bring them to his mouth (like his paci) which shows us he will be ready for solids here in a few weeks. We hope to try baby led weaning and offer whole foods in manageable forms and skip purées. I've got avocado and banana slated to be his first foods the first week or two of March.

Jack is currently in 6 month clothes. He has grown out of 3-6 and is in 6-9 and 9 month footed sleepers. I anticipate him being in 9 month clothes within the next week or so even though he's a peanut at 10th and 15th percentile. The bigger pjs also are due to his nighttime diaper. He was leaking out of the double stuffed 4.0 one size bumgenius because he is such a heavy night time wetter so I bought some Pooter's hemp fitteds with a rumparooz one size cover and made fleece liners. They're working really well but are huge diapers. Speaking if discoveries and diapers, Jack has discovered he has a penis and is obsessed with it if his diaper is off...such a typical boy.

My little boy is getting so big. I can't believe next month he is half way to a year. He is flying by all of his milestones and even though he still is hardly sleeping at night, he's the happiest baby ever. At 3/4am he likes to get up and play-ugh. It's rough on us but he honestly RARELY cries. He just wants to be awake and play, laugh and smile. It makes the many and early wake ups much more manageable. I know that this is just a short phase were in and one day I will miss it so I'm just waiting it out until he's ready. Last night was actually his best night yet. Slept in bed with me from 8:15-3:30, quick sode laying nurse, back to sleep, quick side laying nurse at 5:15 and then slept woth Trevor until 7! That is sleeping in by Jack's standards-he is an early riser like his mom! It'll happen when he's ready, just like how he hit all of this month's milestones once he was ready. :)

Flexibility

I originally wrote this on January 31, 2013 but I accidentally deleted it on April 24th, 2013.  Here it is restored.  I wanted to be sure to keep it for my memory and to help others as it is one of my most read blog posts.

So everyone tells you when you become a parent, you need to learn to be more flexible. When asked my plans while I was pregnant I would always say "I plan to X with Jack, we will see how it goes". And yup, I got through almost 8cm of labor without medication. I bedshare with him because he won't sleep alone. I babywear so he feels close. I've yet to cry it out at night. I've had to do some give and take but most has gone the way I hoped. Yet I'm afraid I may have to say otherwise soon.

I may be in the process of weaning from breastfeeding. Something I was, and am, so determined to do, that I enjoy and love despite its huge difficulties and am committed to with every inch of my being, I feel is being ripped from me. For some, this may seem really dramatic. But for me, it is heart wrenching. To say these last few days have been emotional is a complete understatement.

I am going to do the full story here as a type of therapy for myself. I don't really expect anyone to read or understand this but I need to get it off my heart. It's weighing on it heavily. In no way am I saying formula is bad or judging anyone. Breastfeeding, for me, is enjoyable for many reasons, even though it hasn't been an easy road.

I've been determined to breastfeed since before I was pregnant. Te health benefits, the bonding, the cost, the convenience, and the naturalness were all huge factors for me. I read books like "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and Trevor and I went to a breastfeeding class at the hospital before he was born. I did research, read, did everything I could to prepare.

So Jack came and breastfeeding hurt really bad in the beginning. So bad that I didn't want people to visit because I was in tears, canceled birthday plans (he was born 8 days before my birthday) and I dreaded feeding him. Not only did it hurt a ton but he wouldn't stay latched and would throw up almost all of his meal. So I saw lactation consultant after lactation consultant. They all said his latch was fine. I tried reclined nursing, propping my breast up with a rolled up wash cloth, hand expressing before to alleviate the over active let down and oversupply issues, side laying nursing, different creams, air drying, using gel soothies, and breastmilk as ointment to get through the pain and his fighting and struggles with breastfeeding.

Finally around 6-8 weeks, after an ultrasound to rule out pyloric stenosis and many a dumbfounded lactation consultant (because he was gaining well, had the appropriate diapers and was happy), I gave in and put him on Zantac for reflux and starting using the nipple shield.

Things went well until around December. In December, Jack started having some blood spots and green mucousy poop. So I cut out the little dairy I was eating and soy. I also did 8 hour block nursing to see if my oversupply was causing a foremilk and hindmilk imbalance. It helped for the most part. Then, during Christmas break he started being weird with the shield. So I tried to nurse without the shield and he latched! I was so excited. Only 12 hors later I had blood blisters on my nipples that hurt so bad I had I pump and feed him for 3 days straight because I was in so much pain. Ever since then he has been increasingly refusing to nurse with the shield. I try to nurse without it and it kills. I've tried different latch "tricks" and feeding positions with no luck. I've read practically every article on kellymom.com, the leaky boob and La Leche League's website.

So, I figured the last option I have for fixing whatever pain is being caused is taking Jack to an ENT and seeing if he has a posterior tongue tie or lip tie that is affecting his ability to latch. The doctor this past Monday said he has a very slight posterior tongue tie but that he'd have to put Jack under for a few minutes to clip it and it isn't guaranteed fix and certainly not an instant fix either. Neither Trevor nor I feel comfortable putting him under for a "maybe". Luckily I had a snow day because I cried a lot on Monday. I really was running out of options.

That same day, we went to buy buy baby and babies r us to buy more pumping supplies because it seemed as though I was going to have to pump to feed Jack. This is difficult because in the afternoon and at night I don't pump enough to keep up with his demands and Trevor works. Jack is a snuggly guy so putting him down for 20-30 minutes so I can pump doesn't make him a happy camper. I'm usually babywearing him all night long. In addition, over the last week my supply has really taken a hit. For example, I wanted to pump last night to feed him and I only got 1.5 ounces. He takes 4-5 normally. Right now I just pumped 3.5. I normally pump 5-6 ounces. This is despite eating oatmeal every breakfast for the last 5 months, drinking tons of water, trying different pump flange sizes, eating lactation cookies and taking fenugreek or drinking milkmaid tea.

I figured the one last place I hadn't tried was contacting a La Leche League International leader. I called her on Tuesday morning and she called me later that night. We talked for a good hour before she said "I admire you so much for everything you have done and I really don't know of anything else you could do to try to make this work. You've literally tried everything. I am impressed you've stuck with it for this long on top of working full-time and having a baby that gets up frequently." While it made me feel SO good to know I have tried everything possible and I am not giving up because I don't want to work at it, and that an expert at breastfeeding is impressed by me, I am just astounded that even a LLLI leader is out of ideas for me.

So here I am with an extreme desire to breastfeed and I don't know how much longer it is going to work out. I cry often because of it and my heart hurts. Yeah there are bigger problems in the world, but this is a big one in mine. Yes, Jack will be just fine on formula and will be happy and healthy (just like I was on formula) and wants his mommy to be happy but it is hard to let go of this dream. I had hopes to breastfeed him for a year and then go for two. I can't believe I may be done by the time he is 5 months. It floors me. I look at ingredients in formula and there are things like whey and corn syrup solids and I feel guilty giving them to him because I avoid those myself. How am I suppose to give him something I wouldn't even eat? In "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" it talks about how breastmilk changes for the baby as they get older, if they are sick and what they need. Formula can't do that. I'm grieving our comfy nursing sessions where we would just sit on the couch and snuggle and nurse. Even the late night ones. And even more so for the convenience. I always had the appropriate amount, temperature, and vessel to feed him. I cried a lot yesterday and am today because at this point I just want to make it to 6 months but I don't know if my body will let me. I feel bad because he is always trying to nurse (smashes his head to my boob or sucking on any exposed skin) when hungry but I can't because of the pain and his refusal of the shield. I'm going to keep trying to offer nursing before the bottle but it feels like a loosing battle. And even if I do, it doesn't seem like I am producing as much any more.

So just know I am a range of emotions right now. My wonderful coworker and friend Holly was gracious enough to give me some formula to try with Jack after listening to my struggles. I have it in his cabinet in the kitchen for once my freezer stash is gone because using it makes me feel like I'm admitting defeat. I'm jealous of friends that were able to breastfeed for long periods of time, I am jealous of those that give formula without feeling guilty, I am confused by those that have formula and didn't try to breastfeed, I'm jealous of friends yet to try it that may be more successful than I am. In short, I'm really emotional and hope people understand that the way I feel isn't them, it is all me. And yes Jack will be fine, but I'm struggling right now. I'm struggling to let go of a dream I've had for a long time. I can only hope the next time around will be easier.

So my plan now is to just keep trying to get him to nurse with the shield and hope things change. I'm going to keep trying to increase my supply, do skin to skin contact when home with him, pump at work and home when necessary and perhaps things will change. I'm hopeful but at the same time I am not. There's a breastfeeding clinic at St. John's and I could get a second opinion from a different ENT but I don't know if they would be helpful or hurtful. Hashing through all of this is really difficult. I am not even going to proofread this because typing it out caused enough tears as it is.

So this is my breastfeeding story so far at 4.5 months. I hope we can make it to 6 months when we will start to introduce foods. I hope I can make it a year. But I'm trying to just get by day by day. If anyone reading this ever struggles with breastfeeding, please feel free to ask me for help. As the leader said, I've tried it all. And I just need to make peace with that. I need to let go of the guilt of not making a bigger freezer stash (168 oz is what I had going back to work), block nursing may having affected my supply, not trying a second opinion at the ent, not going to the clinic, not nursing through the extreme pain, not putting him under for the tongue tie clip. Maybe he is just teething and will change his preference for the shield, like it and my supply will rebound. Maybe next week I won't be nursing. I just hope however it happens, next time is easier, Jack feels loved and I can learn to move on.

Edit: the second opinion would put him under.

Jack is 4 Months!

So as we hit the four month mark I really feel like he's becoming less and less baby like. He's hitting milestones left and right and is so curious about the world around him. Being back to work is no easier now but I take solace in knowing that he is really enjoying his time home with Trev. They play all day and really enjoy the time together. That makes Trevor and I working opposite hours easier to take as well (since some days I only see Trev for 30 minutes to an hour).

Anyway, this mamá is tired so I'm going to get right to the point with Jack this month.

-Jack is currently in 3-6 month and 6 month clothing. Some footed pjs are 6-9 months.

-He weighs 13 lbs 6 oz (10th percentile) and 24.5in (25th percentile). We have a peanut.

-He is a very happy baby. Lots of talking, giggles, laughs, smiles and TONS of screeching.

-His favorite toy is the oball and he can grab it (and many other things) with both hands now. He is always trying to watch TV but doesn't care for loud flashy toys. They overstimulate him and he freaks out. When he's in his jumperoo (which he loves) we have to turn the lights and sounds off or he melts down.

-Jack enjoys doing Jack airplane, any bouncing motion while saying "daboing" and when dad pats his back while talking to hear how his voice changes.

-Kicking is a ton of fun but now that means bath time is really splashy so the baby tub is in his bathtub now.

-We tried nursing without the shield but he blistered my nipples so were still using it. We have a little but of cradle cap or "dinosaur skin" but it's coming off easily by just combing it in the tub. He no longer screams in the car because Grandma and Grandpa Sheldon got him a DVD player for the car and it entertains him. He's becoming a distracted nurser because he's so curious about the world and is sill getting up every 1.5-2 hours at night. These are our struggles but he is worth every minute of them. One sight of his pout lip and I melt. I won't be letting him cry it out. I don't want to learn that I won't come when he cries. Until he has the words to verbalize why he is crying, I will come because who knows why he is crying? Maybe he's lonely, maybe hungry, maybe scared? Don't you ever wake up from a bad dream and roll over and snuggle your significant other? Waking up to snuggle me is no different. I'm willing to put up with the exhaustion to be there for him. Doesn't make it any easier, though, that's for sure!

-He enjoys grabbing his feet, putting his hands in his mouth, drooling, looking at himself in the mirror, blowing bubbles and raspberries and giving slobbery open mouth kisses. His neck and belly are really ticklish.

-He can't wait to sit up. He's constantly doing baby crunches.

So although he is cleared to start solids, I'm going to try to wait until 6 months. Partly to delay extra steps with cloth diapers and partly to be able to avoid food allergies since my sister and I had a ton when we were younger. I also want to try baby led weaning and skip rice cereal and purées and let him learn to feed himself.

Breastfeeding is draining. Pumping at work takes a lot of time and it takes a while to nurse but it is best with him and I'm committed to it. He's my number one priority and I want to give him the best start possible. Every month that going by and he's exclusively breastfed, I give myself another pat on the back.

As crazy and chaotic as our life is and as sleep deprived as I am, I am loving motherhood. He brings so much joy to my life.